|Fat, Healthy Eating, Crash Dieting, Nutrition, Weight Watchers, Beautiful, Truth|
So, you all know I've been on this "Lifestyle Makeover" for the past few months, right? I've lost over 40 pounds and at least 3 or 4 dress sizes. I'm fast approaching a psychological milestone. My weight is about to drop under 200 for the first time in years. I don't know why this frightens me so much but I get all anxious inside and start eating baked potatoes with sour cream and butter whenever I get close to going under 200. Some strange part of me is afraid of losing the OTHER 40 pounds. Realistically, I recognize this as a kind of fear and insecurity. I'm afraid to be seen and admired, I'm not secure enough about myself to look sexy, I don't want the attention...blah blah blah. To be honest, there is a comfort in being fat. It's a safety suit that allows you to stay below the radar and not be noticed as often. It's something to blame when you don't have a date. You can blame being fat for sitting home on Saturday nights, not your fear of dating and relationships. It's a security blanket. Of fat. When I think of it that way, it's gross, disgusting, and shameful. Kinda like...oh yeah, BEING FAT.
Around and around and around we go, right?
I've come this far and I refuse to allow myself to sabotage my own success. I think I do this in other areas of my life too. I get to a certain level of success, things begin to go well for me and then *boom* I fall off the radar and go do something else. I see it, I understand it, but I have a hard time changing it. I know I'm a good decent human being who deserves to be happy and healthy and successful. I do. It's just "that voice" that lurks deep in my head and questions all the good things.
Lately that voice has been hounding my writing ideas. "You can't write about THAT!" says the Voice. "Don't you know how offended your (enter family here) will be?" I also hear, "Don't you dare speak of THAT either. No one will understand and it will make you look bad." Now, understand, I'm not a rock star by any stretch of the imagination, but I have led what I believe is a rather unusual and interesting life thus far. It's been very atypical and at times unbelievable. There have been many great, exciting, and fabulous things that have happened to me. There have also been very dark and grievously sad things too. I've decided I want to write about all of them, good and bad. It's liberating -- yet terrifying -- to put it all out there for everyone to read because with exposure comes the inevitable curse of judgment.
I have decided to step out in faith and write my story, tell my tale, and purge my soul. Not only will it be therapeutic but I think it will be entertaining too. I also hope it brings someone comfort and perhaps prevents someone else from doing one of the myriad of really dumb things I did in the past.
Here is my life philosophy in a nutshell:
"God", "The Creator", "The Universe" -- whatever you choose to call *it* -- is like a mountain top. We all aspire to climb that mountain and we seek answers, love, redemption, forgiveness, etc. at the summit. (Personally I believe all of that comes with the Journey, not something you get at the summit but that's a different tangent.) We are all climbing the same mountain but we take different paths to the top. It is not up to us to condemn one another for choosing a different way to the top. We should each encourage the other in our climb upwards. Like I said, the best things are learned on the Journey. By the time you reach the summit, you should be at peace.
I'm a pagan. I see beauty in everyday things like stars and sunsets and full moons. I love the seasons. I love plants and animals. I don't profess to know how these things developed but I seek answers based both in science and in history. I believe in things that are unexplainable. I believe a certain type of magick exists. I believe there are far more things we don't know and understand than those we say we do understand. I am always seeking, learning, and questioning but I never lose my foundation of faith that we are part of a larger picture. What that picture is, I do not know, and that's okay with me. Faith encompasses many different things but hate, fear, and prejudice should never be part of any brand of spirituality It is for those reasons that I dislike mainstream organized "religion". I dislike anything that instills fear and hatred of others as a general rule. For me, a loving Creator Spirit is just that, loving, towards all. Period.
Overall, I turn to my beliefs that I am valuable and unique at any size but that I'd be healthier and happier when I lose another 40 pounds. I already feel very proud of the progress I've made. I don't want my high school body back. I'm 42 and I've had three kids. I would just like to shop in the non-fat section, be able to spend the day outdoors without feeling like I need oxygen, and to genuinely LIKE the reflection I see in the mirror. I've almost accomplished the first two. The third one is tougher. When, as women, do we really ever get to that point? I think learning to love the woman on the inside is essential to loving the woman we see in the mirror. To me, that's my ultimate goal.